World History According to New Atheists

In Prose and Verse

This is the story of world history as presented in the works of respected intellectuals such as Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris, A.C. Grayling, Richard Dawkins, and the other New Atheists.

“Religion has run out of justifications. Thanks to the telescope and the microscope, it no longer offers an explanation of anything important. Where once it used to be able, by its total command of a world-view, to prevent the emergence of rivals, it can now only impede and retard—or try to turn back—the measurable advances that we have made…Above all, we are in need of a renewed Enlightenment, which will base itself on the proposition that the proper study of mankind is man, and woman.” — Christopher Hitchens

Once, skulking Truth to her old cavern fled,
Mountains of casuistry heaped o’er her head!
We saw the scientists and artists fly!
In vain! RELIGION caused them all to die.
RELIGION over all had ancient right,
Resisting knowledge with infernal might.
In sordid majesty RELIGION shone
With imbeciles propping up her throne.
Now, that great monster has been made to fall:
ENLIGHTENMENT, triumphant, stands so tall,
And universal knowledge brightens all.¹

The sky was stained crimson, a canvas of fire and ash. The only sounds on the bleak landscape were the wails of the desperate, the crunch of bones under jackboots, and the grunts of THE RELIGIOUS, a gang of marauding brutes. They stalked the earth, seeking anything that might spark joy or intellect – anything that might suggest that life was more than just eating and fucking.

They were once part of an amicable, collaborative, and supportive community. In those days, the clouds were made of fairy floss. Everyone woke up with perfect smiles, their hair and clothes effortlessly flattering, and without a hint of competition – just endless compliments. If a young maiden wanted to ambulate naked, she could do so without fear of cat-calling or lustful gazes. The men would simply smile at her, doff their hats, and ask “how do you do, miss?”

No one laboured, yet all desires of the body and soul were effortlessly fulfilled. There was a cornucopia of provisions. Laughter filled the air, flowing as freely as the rivers of sparkling water and the chocolate fountains. There was no pollution, only the gentle breeze carrying the scent of eternal spring.

People strolled hand-in-hand, listening to each other with the facial expressions and “hmm”s of a therapist. Intimacies were exchanged as freely as kind words, based on mutual affection and respect. There was no need for shame or jealousy or possessiveness: men and women treated each other with absolute trust.

But then a voice in the sky boomed: “THOU SHALT NOT THINK. THOU SHALT NOT SUFFER THE PRESENCE OF BOOKS.” No one else heard the voice, and none of THE RELIGIOUS could describe it or explain where it came from. Nonetheless, they now devoted their lives to fulfilling its commandments. “The Sky Voice knows all. We grunt and obey.”

Books were their enemies; spectacles, the windows of Satan. Their motto, if they ever mustered enough intelligence to speak coherently, was "Reading is heresy. Thought is treason."

On this day, a boy, no older than ten, watched helplessly as one of THE RELIGIOUS – a hench ogre with a swastika armband clinging tightly around the bicep – grabbed his mother by the hair and dragged her away. The boy pleaded with them, stammering, "Please! Stop! Don’t hurt her!" His squealing was muffled by frenzied laughter, and without even a glance, one of them swung a soiled, dirt-encrusted fist, smashing the boy in the mouth. The boy’s teeth scattered in the dust like seeds. He cried and coughed blood as they dragged him away.

But then, as if by divine intervention, the air thickened. Sensing something, birds turned their heads. From the east, a small glimmer of light appeared on the horizon. At first, a spark. Then a beam. Then – cue triumphant brass and strings – the sky tore open with dazzling brilliance, a light so pure it seemed to have sacred force.

The gang stopped. They squinted, shielding their eyes. Their confused grunts turned to growls.

From the incandescent glow emerged a figure: tall, with broad shoulders tapering to a narrow waist. His chiselled chin jut from a perfectly square jaw. His dark, thick hair was flawlessly parted, and always effortlessly in place despite his swift movements. He had full, regal cheekbones, while his blue eyes radiated with wisdom and warmth. His teeth shimmered, lustrous. This was no ordinary man.

No, this was MR ENLIGHTENMENT.

His cape fluttered in the keening wind. An emblazoned “E” glowed across his chest, his pecs so deep and muscular they looked like they had been sculpted by Greek gods themselves.

Beside him stood SIDEKICK SCIENCE, a thin, bespectacled figure holding a clipboard, eyebrows furrowed in endless calculation.

MR ENLIGHTENMENT raised an immaculate hand. “Enough!” His voice boomed with authority, reverberating through the ashen wasteland. “The darkness of ignorance ends now!”

THE RELIGIOUS blinked. Their grunts became uncertain murmurs. One of them threw a book to the ground. A cloud of dust. Silence. In response, MR ENLIGHTENMENT's eyes glowed. With one motion, he extended his hand towards the nearest brute, and out of nowhere – ZAP! –  a beam of pure, unfiltered, objective knowledge struck the marauder in the head.

The villain stumbled, dazed. His swastika armband melted away, replaced by a patch proudly displaying the Darwin Fish. His monosyllabic grunts morphed into articulate sentences. “I… I… can think now…” the scoundrel whispered in awe, dropping to his knees. “Books… are... good?”

SIDEKICK SCIENCE rolled his eyes behind his specs, scribbling on his clipboard. “Took you long enough.”

The remaining barbarians roared in anger and confusion, charging at the duo with raised clubs, axes, and rosary beads. But MR ENLIGHTENMENT was quick, deflecting blows with his cape, giving lessons in logic, reason, and critical thinking that left them dazed and defeated. BAM! POW! WHOMP! As they fell, THE RELIGIOUS found their minds expanded, their hearts suddenly filled with empathy and a desire to spread messages of their transformation on Reddit.

In less time than it takes to fabricate a Wikipedia entry, THE RELIGIOUS were no more.

The sky brightened. The fires that dotted the horizon dimmed, replaced by libraries, bordellos, and coffee shops where people discussed quantum physics over fair-trade oat milk lattes. MR ENLIGHTENMENT stood tall, hands on his hips, surveying the land with a proud, heroic smile.

The boy, bloodied but unbowed, stumbled forward. “Fank you, MR ENLIGHTENMENT!” he exclaimed. “But what do we do now?”

MR ENLIGHTENMENT got down on one knee and placed a hand on the boy’s shoulder. His porcelain chompers gleamed once more. “Collect data, young man. Engage in intellectual inquiry through the diligent study of texts and the controlled methods of experiment. Adopt a stance of perpetual scepticism, continually subjecting all assumptions and propositions to rigorous scrutiny.”

“Huh?” the boy asked.

“Read! And ask questions!” SIDEKICK SCIENCE translated, fiddling with a pocket microscope, “and make sure you take the time to understand empirical evidence. It’s important.”

With that, MR ENLIGHTENMENT and SIDEKICK SCIENCE soared into the sky, leaving knowledge and factual accuracy in their wake. The world below, once scorched and desolate, now bloomed with periodic tables, artificial intelligence, and an unshakable love for learning.

The dark ages were over.

Everlasting peace and prosperity had come to Earth.

1. Apologies to Alexander Pope.